:… as joy-struck as ever. Let’s see what The furious 19th of
Tomorrow will bring.Lovingly, the same October
It`s raining outside. I feel so protected staying in my room, having a roof over my head and watching the drops play ‘catch me if you can’ over my window. It is a wonderful night, stars are shining and I am calm…Today was a good day. At the English class we talked what we would do with a lot of money and a colleague said that he would make a big fire in winter so he could be warm. We all laughed, smart guy!
Well, here I am at the same table, wearing the same dress. Actually the only thing I’ve changed lately is my pencil. I guess I had to be more optimistic because in two days I’ve only changed a pencil. And guess what…this one isn’t as good as the previous one.
If I were a book, I guess I would be just a short parody in tree chapters about a young girl named Adolescent lost in Space. So weird, I think it is so nice to be lost in Space, to be everything and at the same time nothing.
I keep telling myself that happiness doesn’t stand in a good pencil, in a good sheet of paper, in a nice dress or in a good lunch. I guess my mood is influenced by this lead, it squeaks and that`s making me nervous. Us people…we never put the blame on us, we always search anything else to blame on, rage against. It’s frustrating. I keep thinking that actually we never live, we just hope to live and that’s because we only want to be happy. We are satisfied, spiritually speaking, for a very short time, compared with the moments that give us headaches. It doesn’t mean we never become reconciled with ourselves. Of course, when we have children, a good husband, a nice house, a better washing machine or a good position in society, we will feel accomplished, but I don’t think that this is happiness.
Everything can change in a blink of an eye, but not happiness. Happiness doesn’t know death, doesn’t know fear or pride, selfishness or envy. It is ideal. That’s right, you may feel complete with a good life, a healthy one. I only try to say that happiness is an intense emotion which doesn’t last long: you first A, your first date, a little snowdrop, a surprise party, when your spouse says ‘I do’ , when your child is born and gives you his first smile, when you do something good for you, when.. whenever.
Maybe I don’t know what to say at the right moment, maybe no matter how hard I try I couldn’t define myself, or if I try harder it would be untrue from a day to another, maybe if I met a person named Him I will start to know myself better. Every end has its beginning. Paradoxically, the end is beginning…the end of crazy oscillation and full of uncertainty between who I am and who I want to be. Someone could call that falseness, but me…I call that fear.
I feel a lump in my throat instead of butterflies in my stomach. It is a sign for sure.
A sign which tells me that I should start having time for happiness, small things that stroke my heart, many events from today, the day before, years ago and so on that pump over and over moods, feelings: we love, we talk, we write, we dance, we paint, we take pictures, we fill free.
It is important that we take role models and sometimes we ourselves turn into a model for other persons.
Teen age…quick pass from a moment to another, souls transform with the same movement, so many changes, so many decisions.
I am choosing good changes and happiness will have chosen me!